Wednesday, September 21, 2016

A Vocal Healing

This is another little gem that came to me at the Toronto Writers Collective on Sept. 11, 2016. As with my previous writing from that group "The Peacock", I am sharing this in its original raw unedited, unpolished form. I do believe that the most profound healing comes to us in a way that is raw and unpolished. To me, this is what is authentic and real -- the real stuff of the Soul. 

The prompt that we were given in this case was: A Repeating Noise

                       A Repeating Noise
The drum beats on and on.
Always the same beat.
Hypnotic, trance like.

The Shaman, already in his own trance,
Keeps beating the drum
Pounding Pounding POUNDING

Until I can stand it no more.
I run out, screaming,

                                                      The Shaman, startled,
                                                      Wakes up from his trance.
                                                      "Oh -- sorry" he says.

                                                     "I forgot anyone else was here."
                                                     "BUT I CAME TO YOU FOR A HEALING" I shout.
                                                     "HOW COULD YOU JUST FORGET ABOUT ME?"

                                                      The old man grins a toothless grin.
                                                      Then he chuckles.
                                                      Then he laughs outright.

                                                      Still shaking with laughter, he says,
                                                      "You told me you had lost your voice,
                                                      That you didn't know how to express yourself."

                                                      "Well" he says
                                                      "I think you just found your voice."

                                                      And then the Shaman sinks back into his trance,
                                                      Back into his own world.

Friday, September 16, 2016

Letter to White Coat, Black Art at CBC Radio

Letter to Dr. Brian Goldman

 In Defense of Naturopathic Care    

This is a copy of the letter that I sent to Dr. Brian Goldman (CBC Radio's House Doctor and host of the program White Coat Black Art) in response to his recent program that, once again, portrayed Naturopathy and Homeopathy in a very unflattering light. At the end of the show, he did invite people who have used the services of a Naturopath to write in and share their stories.

Dear Dr. Goldman,

   In response to your program on Sat. Sept. 10, 2016, about Naturopathic Care and Homeopathic remedies, let me first say that I did, in the past, work within the Medical System as a Registered Nurse. I left that profession in a very burnt out and exhausted state. That was in 1989 when I was medically diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis. At that point, I turned to Naturopathic Care (which included taking Homeopathic remedies along with natural supplements). I had no medical intervention whatsoever and I healed totally from that condition.

   I have also had a very recent experience with Naturopathic Care. In August 2014, I was suddenly struck with some very serious symptoms -- generalized, excruciating pain, as well as severe swelling in my joints. Many days Icould hardly walk for the pain and swelling in my knees and hips. I was unable to lift my arms higher than shoulder height and even that was unbearably painful. I went to see the GP that I had been seeing for about 15 years. She had no idea what was going on with me. She did not examine me. She told me that she was unable to do a physical because, according to her, OHIP no longer covers physicals. Because I was unable to work at the time, I did not have the money to pay the additional $200.00 which she charges above OHIP. She sent me for bloodwork which was pretty out of whack. She still had no idea what was going on with me and, due to OHIP restrictions, she was only able to spend a few minutes with me. By this time I was frightened and in great distress. I found another GP who did spend more time with me and she did do a complete physical (and did not charge me extra). She repeated the bloodwork which, by then, was even worse. She at least seemed more concerned, but she also had no idea what was going on with me.

   I went through this, undiagnosed and untreated, for almost a year. Because I was unable to work that whole time, I did not have the money to see the Naturopath I had seen previously. Fortunately I discovered that the Canadian College of Naturopathic Medicine has a student clinic with prices geared to one's financial situation. In July 2015, I was seen -- for a full hour -- by a 4th year Naturopathic student and her supervisor. On my very first visit there, the student correctly diagnosed my condition as Polymyalgia Rheumatica. When I later looked it up, the symptoms were classic and my bloodwork was the exact picture of this condition. I was put on a herbal anti-inflammatory supplement and fish oil. I was given a list of foods that cause inflammation to eliminate from my diet. Later I was given a homeopathic remedy to help me deal with some emotional issues I was struggling with. That remedy turned out to be very effective. And the best part of this treatment was having a full hour at every appointment. I was listened to. I was believed. Every possible treatment was discussed with me and I had every option to say yes or no, depending on what I felt comfortable with. All the  treatment was geared to my particular lifestyle and personality. My symptoms began to lessen very quickly. I had my final visit at the Clinic in April 2016. By then all of my bloodwork was back to normal. I was (and still am) pain free. My mobility and flexibility are all back to normal.  

   I know -- in the case of the Stephan family's tragedy of losing their toddler - a Naturopath is under investigation. That is a very tragic incident. But it is ONE incident. I still feel very comfortable with trusting the majority of Naturopathic Doctors to know when a situation is life threatening and requires medical attention.

   What I would like to know is how many people die, or suffer needlessly, due to an incorrect, or no, diagnosis, in the Medical System? How many people do not get properly assessed in the Medical System? I guarantee it is more than one.

   I feel very sad and angry when I hear Medical Doctors totally dismissing any kind of Naturopathic or Homeopathic Care.

   This is my experience with Naturopathic Care. Thank you for allowing me to share my story. And I do really appreciate your show for bringing important topics and stories like this one out into the open.

Barbara Sauve

Sunday, September 11, 2016

The Peacock

This little (revealing) piece I wrote came to me today at the Toronto Writers Collective after I looked at a photo of a peacock. I have chosen to leave this piece in its initial raw form rather than try to rewrite it in  proper" or structured prose or poetry. To me, writing or artwork that comes, unedited, directly from the heart and soul, is a great healer and has the capacity to deeply touch other hearts and souls. Once one tries to make it "perfect" or tries to polish it to a "proper" smoothness or shine, it then becomes something else -- something maybe more suitable to the commercial market. But the focus of this blog is healing and I believe that deep healing generally begins in that raw place in each of us.

Your huge, compelling brown eyes
Draw me in immediately.
You seem so present,
So in the moment.
I could fall in love.
Just by looking into those compelling brown eyes
I could fall totally under your spell.

But....I don't think that would be a good idea.

I pull myself out of
The charismatic pull of those eyes
And I look further.
I'm awestruck by your plumage.
So beautiful
It pulls me right in.
I'm overwhelmed by the beauty that is all around you.

I don't want to fall into this trap. I've been there before.

But you are so beautiful
I don't know how to find my way out.
You fill up the space so totally.

Your energy is like glue.

Thursday, August 18, 2016

Playing in the Sand

This delightful little story of a really fun playtime came to me after receiving a prompt at The Toronto Writers Collective. The prompt was a photo of what appeared to be an old dilapitated building with floors of dirt and sand. One door was standing ajar so I came up with the (obvious) title DOORWAYS.  This Doorway turned out to lead right into my Joyful Childhood Self.


   Oh how I want to dig my feet in the sand. I want to sit right down on that dirty, sandy floor and roll all around on it. I want to feel the grittiness of those sand granules massaging my skin, making me feel all tingly.

 Closing my eyes, I bend down and pick up a handful of sand and dirt. I rub it all over my face and all through my hair. My white clothes are getting sooooo dirty as I pick up another handful of dirt and rub it all over my belly and my  arms and my legs. I am so happy --  there are no adults here to get upset or yell at me for getting dirty. There is just me and the sand, hidden behind these walls where no one can see me. I'm safe and protected by these walls. This is such a magical place to play and to explore. And to get as dirty as I want.

   My skin is tingling from the grittiness of this dirt. My Heart is singing with the joy and freedom of  laying down and rolling, moving, digging oh so happily, in the dirt.

   I remember the little piglets from the farm and how they love to roll in the dirt. They are so cute --  the way they bury their little snouts right in the mud -- just playing, exploring. I often wondered what those piglets were searching for as they so vigorously buried their snouts in the mud. Now I am thinking that maybe they are not looking for anything. Maybe they are just loving the feel of rubbing those wonderful gritty dirt granules all over their skin just like I am loving it now. 

   Those poor adults that would yell at me for getting so dirty. They just don't know what they are missing. I feel kind of sorry for them!


More stories from my child self coming up soon. It feels amazingly good to allow that little girl part of me to come forward and share her stories. I especially love that in this story, the little girl started off expressing some fear of the adults who would yell at her if they caught her playing in the dirt. She felt safe to indulge in her tactile, sensual sand play because she was hidden behind those magical, protective walls. By the end of the story, she actually comes to a place of feeling compassion for those poor uptight adults who just don't know what knd of pleasure they are missing out on.  


Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Yoga -- What a Journey!!

**Originally written and posted Feb. 8, 2014. Updated June 20, 2016

My favourite definition of Yoga is UNION WITH THE DIVINE.

It is an interesting journey that we humans progress through in our lifetimes. Many of us are becoming increasingly aware of our own Divine Nature (intellectually anyway) and of the Divine Nature of Life. We do our best to live well and to honor and care for all of life. And yet, if our nature is purely Divine, why do we go through so many bumps in life? Why are we subjected to so much pain and suffering? Why is our world so full of so much cruelty and unbearable atrocities?

Looking back on my own lifelong relationship with Yoga, which I see now as my own deep craving to feel united with the Divine, I can honestly say that it has been one hell of a bumpy road!!! Surprise, surprise -- Yoga is not always all bliss and cushy relaxation and white light and showing off one's flexibility. There were times, when I was much younger, that I thought it was all of the above. There was a time that, through Yoga, I thought I had found "heaven".  Yoga became my "Great Escape" for awhile, until it brought me crashing back to earth!

My Personal Philosophy of Yoga and Other Spiritual Traditions

What I express here is MY opinion, based on MY experience. Yoga is many things to many people. For some folks it is a time and place to get away from their busy lives and chill out. Practicing Yoga has many health benefits and stress reducing qualities for sure. For a lot of people that is enough. People "do" Yoga and then go back to their lives. For other people, and I suspect this is the case in Yoga's original birthplace of India, Yoga is life. The quest for Union with the Divine IS the purpose for life. Coming from that perspective, Yoga takes on a deeper meaning.  As the postures, the pranayama and other aspects of Yoga are practiced with focus and diligence, they do begin to open the pathway back to the Divine. However, I think what many of us Westerners don't always understand is that as we move more fully into our journey back to the Divine and we begin to bring more light into our consciousness, all that we have been holding in the body (perhaps for many lifetimes) -- all the grief, all the pain, all of the repressed memories and emotions, all the trauma and dis-ease that we have been holding onto and burying ever more deeply, is going to emerge into our conscious awareness. I do believe, from my own personal experience, that we do hold not only our own personal issues, but also we carry the unresolved pain of our ancestors. Maybe that has something to do with what we call genetics. I also believe that we do have the power to heal that pain and to shift those unhealthy patterns or genetics. I DON'T believe that we can simply say some affirmations, as some of the new age pundits would have us believe, and everything will be fine. I think the journey to true healing, which, in my mind, is also the Journey back to the Divine, means honoring our pain, honoring our traumas and offering love and compassion to those darkest and most distressed places in us. It is not about escaping into the light. It is more about calling  the light in to illuminate those places of darkness and fear and trauma within us -- so we can be fully present with them or with those parts of ourselves and our world.

Really Important Stuff Here!

Balance is Essential
The ONE REALLY IMPORTANT THING I have discovered, the hard way, is that as we journey back to our Divine Nature and we bring an increasing amount of light into our darkness, we need to be simultaneously taking care of ourselves physically and emotionally. Our bodies and our nervous systems need to be strong and we may need to find some good emotional support for ourselves. I think there are very few of us that don't have some kind of unresolved grief, trauma or other kinds of emotional pain buried deep inside. The nature of our Western culture has been to "suck it up", to suffer in silence. Certainly we Canadians , especially, are not very likely to sound our grief and our distress. Most of us were conditioned to keep it buried inside -- where it festers and builds up. So imagine if we do a massive amount of Spiritual Practice and bring in lots of white light -- all that "dark stuff" is going to come pouring out, possibly too quickly and  in ways that could re-traumatize us or throw us totally off balance. Unfortunately there are some Yogic and other Spiritual Traditions and New Age philosophies in our Western World that do seem to  promote this constant focus on the White Light and fail to honour or even acknowledge the equally important darkness or shadow side. Some people do get frightened away from various Spiritual Traditions or practices  for this very reason. As much White Light as we bring in, we need to be prepared for an equal amount of Darkness or Shadow material to show up. We humans do live in a duality of light and dark. It is very important to find Spiritual Traditions or therapies that recognize and honor both the dark and the light sides of human nature.

The Importance of Finding Balance

 Balance is essential here and it is important for each one of us to explore what is manageable on this Journey into the Light or back to the Divine. This can take some trial and error. Even though I have been aware of this need to find my own manageable balance, I still sometimes over reach and end up traumatized or triggered. But, at least now, in those moments, I can generally recognize that I have simply pushed a little too far and I need to back up a little and reach out for support.I do my best, in those moments, to sit with and hold, with love and compassion, whatever darkness or injured part of me

has shown up. Ultimately, it is a real gift when those vulnerable parts of us emerge from hiding. But we need to know how to be with those parts of ourselves and how to create safe and sacred space for ourselves. It may be important to search for a teacher, therapist or helper that can support our process.

Here is a short article about Spiritual Awakening that may be helpful.
Awakening Kundalini -- Yoga Journal

The Importance of Recovering Memories and Healing Trauma

Also I think the emerging field of learning how to heal from trauma is a vital part of the healing process for many of us. Fortunately, the whole area of trauma and PTSD is coming into the forefront in a very positive and healing way. No matter what spiritual tradition we follow in our quest for the Divine, I don't think we'll get far if our foundation is damaged. I, personally, am really excited to see this vitally important work gaining so much attention and energy.

A link to this vitally important work of healing trauma.

It is only by facing our traumas, personally and collectively, that we, as a culture can begin to heal. A few weeks back I received an e-mail notice from a doctor who was advertising that he could help us "get rid of those pesky negative memories once and for all". If we just "get rid of" those so called negative memories, that means we will never face and deal with them head on. That means the perpetrators are home free. So those who have been sexually or otherwise abused by religious institutions, by residential schools, etc. could just get rid of those "pesky" memories and nothing in our society would have to change. Clearly, I did not appreciate the doctor's approach. Thank goodness for the people who are doing the work to recover memories and bring them to the public's awareness. These are the courageous people who are changing our world. 

My Personal Journey Through Yoga and Life

Cats are Natural Yogis

When I was a very young girl, maybe 8 or 9 years old,  I used to sit alone in my bedroom, in front of the window looking down on a massive willow tree and a large grassy yard. Beyond that was a raised garden surrounded by small trees and greenery that grew wild. Oh the joys of growing up in a little village!! Nature was alive and abundant all around me. As I would sit there and look out that window, some part of me would be transported to India of all places. How did I know about India in those young days? I would see myself as a Yogi wandering through the forests with a walking stick in hand. Now that is really mysterious. Growing up in that little village under the watchful eye of very protective parents, I was very sheltered from the rest of the world. So I really have no idea how I knew anything about India or Yogis, but there I was, dreaming of my Yogic life in India.

My Secret Yoga Practice

   As soon as I was old enough, I went to the library in the next town. Our village didn't have a library. I immediately started searching for books about Yoga. However when I brought those books home, my mother became very concerned. She somehow had the idea that Yoga was some kind of cult, the work of the devil. So Yoga books were banned in our house. Even though I honored my mother's beliefs, I somehow knew that she had a mistaken idea about Yoga. So the books stayed at the library. But I still went there and read them, as much as I could. I would study the pictures of people in the various Yoga poses and then I would practice them in secret in my bedroom.

Yoga in Toronto

In 1972, after I graduated from nursing school and began my working life in Toronto, I immediately looked for a Yoga teacher. Even back then there was no shortage of Yoga in Toronto and I explored several different schools and traditions of Yoga. I eventually found my way to a yoga school which had a number of different traditions within it. By then I was hooked on Yoga! But I still kept my yoga practice secret from my family in the little village. By 1983, both of my parents had passed away and soon after, I dove, head first, into a very intensive Yoga Teacher Training Course at the same school that had a variety of traditions. Now there was some conflict between the various traditions so as a student teacher, that was quite confusing in itself. Despite that however, I finally felt like I had a purpose, something to hold onto, something that was giving my life meaning.

The Great Escape -- from Addictions to Yoga

Prior to signing up for that Yoga Course, I was suffering through some addictions -- both substance and behavioural. Being quite a troubled teen-ager and young adult, it was easy for me to fall into those addictions once I arrived from my little hometown village into the  bright lights of big city life! But it seemed, at the time, that Yoga was my saving grace. I went "cold turkey" on all those addictions; I buried away all feelings of grief and abandonment from the loss of my parents. At that time I had no idea that those addictions were actually a sign of deeply buried trauma. I just knew that life wasn't feeling very good, and I was certain that Yoga would make it all better! So I literally threw myself into the Yoga practices and focused on the White Light. The teachers training course consisted of a lot of fairly aggressive pranayama (breathing exercises) and of course postures, which I practiced relentlessly. There were a lot of strict guidelines put on our behaviour and lots of suppression or denial of physical desires and needs.  There was absolutely no acknowledgement of the darkness or the Shadow. Now that I look back, it was a recipe for disaster! Especially for someone like me who had a damaged foundation to begin with and no real support or deep understanding of what was wrong. So the inevitable happened. About three quarters of the way into this course, after I had been doing massive amounts of Spiritual awakening practices, the kundalini awakened and shot up through my unprepared body and nervous system and psyche.

Awakened Kundalini
Kundalini, as I understand it, is the Spiritual Energy that is coiled in our Root or base Chakra. It gradually awakens and moves up through the energy centres that are connected with the spine and the endocrine glands, as we do Spiritual Practices. The important word here is gradually.   But first one has to be coming from a strong foundation. Healing of trauma and being grounded through healthy relationship with the self and others needs to be the first priority.

As a result of not being prepared or ready for this massive surge of energy, I fell right into the darkest, most terrifying time of my life. Addictions overwhelmed me again -- but this time they were even worse. I found myself feeling trapped in an abusive relationship. I completely lost touch with reality for awhile and came very close to losing my life. These are powerful energies, not to be messed with or taken lightly. Clearly, not all spiritual teachers understand the importance of balance and stability and acceptance of the darkness and the  possible memories and traumas that may emerge when the light is brought in or when that kundalini is activated.

Escape to Mexico!

I got myself out of that abusive relationship and I took off to Mexico for 2 years. That was winter of 1985.

I was, once again, struggling with addictions but after that experience, I didn't even want to hear the word YOGA. At that point, I was also feeling betrayed and abandoned by the very teachers I had so totally trusted, and of course I was terrified to get close to anyone after falling into that horrible abusive relationship.

I turned to Bodybuilding!!! In retrospect, I see my bodybuilding phase as a desperate attempt to get back into my body, to feel grounded. It was also a defense mechanism --a way to build up the protective amor I felt that I needed . After a time, I landed back in Toronto, back in nursing (where I didn't want to be) and I dedicated myself to Competitive Bodybuilding! By 1989 I became extremely ill. Between the intensity of my job, the intensity of my workouts and a still very damaged foundation, my body gave out.


The Healing Power of Iyengar Yoga

Yes Yoga called me back again, and it was Yoga that helped me through that illness, but this time I discovered Iyengar Yoga. Interestingly enough, the same school where I had taken that fateful Yoga Teacher's Training course was now home to the Iyengar Tradition of Yoga. This type of Yoga has some definite benefits. It is all about "facing your life", not hiding or escaping from it.  Through the use of equipment in the Iyengar tradition, each Yoga pose is adapted to fit each body individually. I attended a Special Needs Program in which I was given a practice that was specifically developed for my particular illness. I did remarkably well and was moved into a regular class setting. This was 1989/90.  I didn't do so well in the regular Iyengar classes. Because I was still holding unresolved trauma in my body, I was very emotionally fragile. In the regular Iyengar classes, teachers generally use their voices to bring more consciousness to the body. In other words they speak loudly. In my emotionally fragile state, I felt like I was being criticized and yelled at. I frequently left the regular classes in tears! I was just too emotionally fragile to handle the teaching methods at that time. So despite the fact that I knew Iyengar Yoga offered the best bodywork in terms of precision and alignment that I would ever find, I left in search of quieter, gentler forms of bodywork.

The Spirit of Yoga
The Power of Yoga!

Interesting that, although I kept leaving Yoga, the true spirit of Yoga never left me!

Healing and Getting Stronger

So my Yoga journey has resumed. From all that I have learned and experienced through the gifts of many different Yoga Teachers and many different methods, and, most importantly, through learning to listen and communicate very deeply with my own body, I now create my own Yoga practice.  My own body has become my very best teacher and Yoga guide.

So my Yoga Journey has had some bumpy moments, but I am happy and grateful to be re-developing my relationship with this remarkable practice. For me, as I do my Yoga Practice, there is a real sense of coming home to myself. I am tuning in more often to the true spirit of yoga, and we are becoming friends again!!!

That little girl that I was already knew that Yoga was a very important part of my life's journey. It just took me, as the adult, a while to find my way.

Wow -- what a journey it has been!    



Sunday, May 15, 2016

Mariposa -- My Childhood Fairy Friend Returns!

*Written on April 3, 2013. Updated on May 15, 2016

I seem to have a lot of friends from the "Unseen" (by the physical eyes) World". As a young child, I spent many happy hours with "Jeffrey" my imaginary friend. However, I don't, for one minute, believe that Jeffrey was only a figment of my childhood imagination. In my young days, he appeared to me as a warm, loving, brotherly type of energy. He was my playmate during my many solitary hours alone in my bedroom and he was my greatest support and protector. As I became a teenager and began to "put away the toys of childhood" it seems as though I forgot about Jeffery. my adult life, at close to 40 years old -- I was experiencing a pretty heavy duty health crisis and in my time of greatest need, Jeffrey re-appeared! When I asked him where he had been all these years, he informed me that he hadn't gone anywhere. He had always been right there beside me. It was me who had turned a blind eye (literally) to his existence and presence in my life. Now, when Jeffrey appears to me, I see him, not as a big brother and companion any more. I experience his true nature which is Divine Light. It is such an amazing light -- beautifully white, just tinged with a hint of blue. Healing and protective. And always there whenever I remember to tune in to it.

Adventures in Mexico

Mariposa -- my fairy friend
In 1994, when I was just beginning my 5 year adventure of living in Mexico, another childhood friend returned to me in a most unexpected way. That was Mariposa, my childhood fairy friend. I was doing a lot of writing while I was in Mexico -- especially in those tropical summers that were unlike any kind of heat and humidity that I've ever experienced before. Even sitting perfectly still, one would be dripping with sweat. (My skin sure was clean and glowing in those days!) I spent many of my "summer in Mexico"  days alternating between sitting writing and jumping into the Ocean. Even the Ocean felt like a warm bathtub. There was no relief from that tropical heat and humidity, except to stand in front of my open refrigerator, which I sometimes resorted to!

The Miracle of How Mariposa Came to Me

Mariposa is the Spanish word for Butterfly. My fairy friend, Mariposa, is sweet and delicate and tiny like a butterfly. And she is as powerful as those Mighty Monarchs that fly from Canada to Mexico and back again every year.

 In 1994, when I arrived in Mexico, I began learning Spanish from a private tutor. I was studying very hard to learn this beautiful language and I used to practise writing simple little stories in Spanish for my teacher to correct. One day, probably about three or four months into my studies, when I still wasn't very advanced in my Spanish, I started writing a little story in Spanish. However that story which I called Un Secreto Cosmico was neither simple nor little!! It was quite a complex story and quite long. It started just pouring out of me, in Spanish. Well maybe not quite pouring. I had to frequently pause and refer to my Spanish/English Dictionary and Verb conjugation book. For many days, I sat and wrote and wrote, struggling through this story with my pretty basic knowledge of Spanish. I was so excited by this story and so mesmerized by the appearance of this beautiful fairy friend, Mariposa, that I barely noticed the rivers of sweat pouring down my face and body! When the story was finished, I took it to my tutor and he, obviously, had to make some corrections in my grammar and verb conjugations, but he totally understood the story. It was all there, readable and understandable.  When I think back, I'm sure Mariposa was actually there spurring me on to write the story in my "unrefined" Spanish and to remember my beautiful and magical connection with her.

The drawing up above and to the right, of Mariposa, didn't actually come about until around late 2007 while I was recovering from eye surgery (see my previous post "With a Little Help From My Alien Friends" about the amazing drawings and Beings that came through when I literally could not see on a physical level).

Travels with Mariposa

Life with Mariposa is quite an adventure. As a child I used to dream of visiting far off planets and
galaxies with Mariposa. She took me to all kinds of planets and introduced me to all kinds of other beings -- most of which have never been seen by the human eye. She took me once to the planet where she came from -- a planet where fairies live. They were all dancing and they invited me in to dance with them. It was exquisite -- so light, so ethereal, so free. I felt, even in my human awkwardness, totally drawn into this lightness and the beauty of this energy.

 I am very grateful that circumstances of this physical life have drawn me into this re-connection with these very special Spirit Friends. Even now, if I just close my eyes and think about Mariposa, I feel drawn right back into Un Secreto Cosmico. Mariposa is there waiting to take me on another adventure right into the Secrets of the Cosmos.

I would love to hear any stories anyone might want to share about their "Imaginary Childhood Friends".

As children, we could see and experience so much -- it is beautiful to go back and validate those childhood experiences. Who knows what treasures and "old friends" may be waiting for us to remember them.

Wishing you all wonderful journeys and adventures!


A Letter of Love to My Twelve Year Old Self

*Written on Oct. 3, 2014. Updated May 15, 2016


 It is a sad, but true fact that many of us transitioned from childhood to puberty with a cloud of shame, confusion, disgust, even abuse, hanging over us. Too often, we were given the message that our feelings and desires (many of which were triggered by very normal physiological changes in the maturing female body) were somehow wrong and immoral. Our parents, our teachers, our religious leaders and other significant people who were around us during our tumultuous teenage years were simply passing on what they believed to be true.

Here is what I wish my Mother could have said to me when I was blossoming into my Sexuality, and here is what I, as a CRONE, now say to my twelve year old Self who still lives inside me. 


Hello (12 year old)  Barbara,

   This is your Adult (well, CRONE actually) Self speaking to you.

Your Blossoming Sexuality

   At 12 years old, you are beginning to move into a very beautiful and remarkable Awakening of your Sexuality. Your breasts are beginning to develop and take form. The flow of estrogen in your body is increasing. You are likely becoming aware of unfamiliar feelings of sexual desire. You may start feeling some unexpected and thrilling sensations in your genitals, accidentally discovered as you are doing some Yoga Poses or some other exercise, or perhaps they will show up when somebody you like looks at you in a certain way. You may start to feel a growing, unexplainable attraction to other people (maybe boys, maybe girls, maybe both, maybe classmates, maybe older people like teachers). Any and all feelings of attraction are totally normal at this stage in your life. You may, at times, feel confused or uncertain about how to react to these attractions. I'm here, always available to listen to you and to help you sort through your confusion. Just know that these feelings of desire and attraction are a really healthy sign that you are awakening sexually, that you are moving more fully into your Goddess Self.

   This is a hugely transformative awakening that is happening to you. You are in that beautiful transition from childhood to womanhood. Even though you are still a very young teenager, your sexual urges and desires and potential are quickly morphing into that of a mature, fertile woman.

   This can be a tough, confusing, thrilling, exciting time as your body undergoes rapid changes, your hormones flow with an intensity that you have not known before, and powerful and chaotic emotions that you are probably feeling for the first time, begin to swirl around in you.

Welcome to Your Blossoming Sexuality

   I, as the adult and as a woman who loves and cares deeply for you, want to welcome you into your blossoming Sexuality. I love, honor and respect the woman that you are becoming.

   Everything that you do feel and will feel, in all its intensity and overwhelming newness, is completely normal. These are normal physiological changes that happen in every young, healthy body around this time. It is a time to rejoice, a time to celebrate, a time to explore and a time to welcome your rapidly changing inner landscape and rapidly changing physical body. You are in a beautiful and dynamite transition time.

Emotional Highs and Lows

   You may feel many emotions during this time -- maybe anger and rebelliousness, Maybe joy and warmth. There may be times of utter confusion, maybe even despair, possibly inter-woven with extreme excitement and intense desire. For sure, the teen-age years can be a roller coaster of emotional highs and lows.

   Your first period, your first bleeding, is a signal of your arrival into womanhood. All the women around you will celebrate and honor and pamper you as you transition into this beautiful and fertile time of your life. The women -- your mother, your aunts, your older cousins -- will all dance for you and sing for you. You will be honored and respected and protected and cared for as you move into your Sacred Bleeding Time.

   Barbara, you are totally and completely honored and loved and respected. ALL that you are feeling, ALL that you are experiencing, are welcome and accepted.

   Teenage Barbara, you are in a safe circle of women now. We hold you in deep love and respect. We are here for you. Always.

May the teenager within each of us be healed and loved.

May all teenage girls be held in love and respect. May all teenage girls be safe and protected. 

May the Blossoming Sexuality of ALL be always treated as Sacred and Beautiful.