Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Yoga -- What a Journey!!

**Originally written and posted Feb. 8, 2014. Updated June 20, 2016

My favourite definition of Yoga is UNION WITH THE DIVINE.


It is an interesting journey that we humans progress through in our lifetimes. Many of us are becoming increasingly aware of our own Divine Nature (intellectually anyway) and of the Divine Nature of Life. We do our best to live well and to honor and care for all of life. And yet, if our nature is purely Divine, why do we go through so many bumps in life? Why are we subjected to so much pain and suffering? Why is our world so full of so much cruelty and unbearable atrocities?

Looking back on my own lifelong relationship with Yoga, which I see now as my own deep craving to feel united with the Divine, I can honestly say that it has been one hell of a bumpy road!!! Surprise, surprise -- Yoga is not always all bliss and cushy relaxation and white light and showing off one's flexibility. There were times, when I was much younger, that I thought it was all of the above. There was a time that, through Yoga, I thought I had found "heaven".  Yoga became my "Great Escape" for awhile, until it brought me crashing back to earth!

My Personal Philosophy of Yoga and Other Spiritual Traditions

What I express here is MY opinion, based on MY experience. Yoga is many things to many people. For some folks it is a time and place to get away from their busy lives and chill out. Practicing Yoga has many health benefits and stress reducing qualities for sure. For a lot of people that is enough. People "do" Yoga and then go back to their lives. For other people, and I suspect this is the case in Yoga's original birthplace of India, Yoga is life. The quest for Union with the Divine IS the purpose for life. Coming from that perspective, Yoga takes on a deeper meaning.  As the postures, the pranayama and other aspects of Yoga are practiced with focus and diligence, they do begin to open the pathway back to the Divine. However, I think what many of us Westerners don't always understand is that as we move more fully into our journey back to the Divine and we begin to bring more light into our consciousness, all that we have been holding in the body (perhaps for many lifetimes) -- all the grief, all the pain, all of the repressed memories and emotions, all the trauma and dis-ease that we have been holding onto and burying ever more deeply, is going to emerge into our conscious awareness. I do believe, from my own personal experience, that we do hold not only our own personal issues, but also we carry the unresolved pain of our ancestors. Maybe that has something to do with what we call genetics. I also believe that we do have the power to heal that pain and to shift those unhealthy patterns or genetics. I DON'T believe that we can simply say some affirmations, as some of the new age pundits would have us believe, and everything will be fine. I think the journey to true healing, which, in my mind, is also the Journey back to the Divine, means honoring our pain, honoring our traumas and offering love and compassion to those darkest and most distressed places in us. It is not about escaping into the light. It is more about calling  the light in to illuminate those places of darkness and fear and trauma within us -- so we can be fully present with them or with those parts of ourselves and our world.


Really Important Stuff Here!

Balance is Essential
The ONE REALLY IMPORTANT THING I have discovered, the hard way, is that as we journey back to our Divine Nature and we bring an increasing amount of light into our darkness, we need to be simultaneously taking care of ourselves physically and emotionally. Our bodies and our nervous systems need to be strong and we may need to find some good emotional support for ourselves. I think there are very few of us that don't have some kind of unresolved grief, trauma or other kinds of emotional pain buried deep inside. The nature of our Western culture has been to "suck it up", to suffer in silence. Certainly we Canadians , especially, are not very likely to sound our grief and our distress. Most of us were conditioned to keep it buried inside -- where it festers and builds up. So imagine if we do a massive amount of Spiritual Practice and bring in lots of white light -- all that "dark stuff" is going to come pouring out, possibly too quickly and  in ways that could re-traumatize us or throw us totally off balance. Unfortunately there are some Yogic and other Spiritual Traditions and New Age philosophies in our Western World that do seem to  promote this constant focus on the White Light and fail to honour or even acknowledge the equally important darkness or shadow side. Some people do get frightened away from various Spiritual Traditions or practices  for this very reason. As much White Light as we bring in, we need to be prepared for an equal amount of Darkness or Shadow material to show up. We humans do live in a duality of light and dark. It is very important to find Spiritual Traditions or therapies that recognize and honor both the dark and the light sides of human nature.

The Importance of Finding Balance

 Balance is essential here and it is important for each one of us to explore what is manageable on this Journey into the Light or back to the Divine. This can take some trial and error. Even though I have been aware of this need to find my own manageable balance, I still sometimes over reach and end up traumatized or triggered. But, at least now, in those moments, I can generally recognize that I have simply pushed a little too far and I need to back up a little and reach out for support.I do my best, in those moments, to sit with and hold, with love and compassion, whatever darkness or injured part of me

has shown up. Ultimately, it is a real gift when those vulnerable parts of us emerge from hiding. But we need to know how to be with those parts of ourselves and how to create safe and sacred space for ourselves. It may be important to search for a teacher, therapist or helper that can support our process.

Here is a short article about Spiritual Awakening that may be helpful.
Awakening Kundalini -- Yoga Journal


The Importance of Recovering Memories and Healing Trauma

Also I think the emerging field of learning how to heal from trauma is a vital part of the healing process for many of us. Fortunately, the whole area of trauma and PTSD is coming into the forefront in a very positive and healing way. No matter what spiritual tradition we follow in our quest for the Divine, I don't think we'll get far if our foundation is damaged. I, personally, am really excited to see this vitally important work gaining so much attention and energy.


A link to this vitally important work of healing trauma.

It is only by facing our traumas, personally and collectively, that we, as a culture can begin to heal. A few weeks back I received an e-mail notice from a doctor who was advertising that he could help us "get rid of those pesky negative memories once and for all". If we just "get rid of" those so called negative memories, that means we will never face and deal with them head on. That means the perpetrators are home free. So those who have been sexually or otherwise abused by religious institutions, by residential schools, etc. could just get rid of those "pesky" memories and nothing in our society would have to change. Clearly, I did not appreciate the doctor's approach. Thank goodness for the people who are doing the work to recover memories and bring them to the public's awareness. These are the courageous people who are changing our world. 


My Personal Journey Through Yoga and Life

Cats are Natural Yogis

When I was a very young girl, maybe 8 or 9 years old,  I used to sit alone in my bedroom, in front of the window looking down on a massive willow tree and a large grassy yard. Beyond that was a raised garden surrounded by small trees and greenery that grew wild. Oh the joys of growing up in a little village!! Nature was alive and abundant all around me. As I would sit there and look out that window, some part of me would be transported to India of all places. How did I know about India in those young days? I would see myself as a Yogi wandering through the forests with a walking stick in hand. Now that is really mysterious. Growing up in that little village under the watchful eye of very protective parents, I was very sheltered from the rest of the world. So I really have no idea how I knew anything about India or Yogis, but there I was, dreaming of my Yogic life in India.

My Secret Yoga Practice

   As soon as I was old enough, I went to the library in the next town. Our village didn't have a library. I immediately started searching for books about Yoga. However when I brought those books home, my mother became very concerned. She somehow had the idea that Yoga was some kind of cult, the work of the devil. So Yoga books were banned in our house. Even though I honored my mother's beliefs, I somehow knew that she had a mistaken idea about Yoga. So the books stayed at the library. But I still went there and read them, as much as I could. I would study the pictures of people in the various Yoga poses and then I would practice them in secret in my bedroom.



Yoga in Toronto

In 1972, after I graduated from nursing school and began my working life in Toronto, I immediately looked for a Yoga teacher. Even back then there was no shortage of Yoga in Toronto and I explored several different schools and traditions of Yoga. I eventually found my way to a yoga school which had a number of different traditions within it. By then I was hooked on Yoga! But I still kept my yoga practice secret from my family in the little village. By 1983, both of my parents had passed away and soon after, I dove, head first, into a very intensive Yoga Teacher Training Course at the same school that had a variety of traditions. Now there was some conflict between the various traditions so as a student teacher, that was quite confusing in itself. Despite that however, I finally felt like I had a purpose, something to hold onto, something that was giving my life meaning.


The Great Escape -- from Addictions to Yoga

Prior to signing up for that Yoga Course, I was suffering through some addictions -- both substance and behavioural. Being quite a troubled teen-ager and young adult, it was easy for me to fall into those addictions once I arrived from my little hometown village into the  bright lights of big city life! But it seemed, at the time, that Yoga was my saving grace. I went "cold turkey" on all those addictions; I buried away all feelings of grief and abandonment from the loss of my parents. At that time I had no idea that those addictions were actually a sign of deeply buried trauma. I just knew that life wasn't feeling very good, and I was certain that Yoga would make it all better! So I literally threw myself into the Yoga practices and focused on the White Light. The teachers training course consisted of a lot of fairly aggressive pranayama (breathing exercises) and of course postures, which I practiced relentlessly. There were a lot of strict guidelines put on our behaviour and lots of suppression or denial of physical desires and needs.  There was absolutely no acknowledgement of the darkness or the Shadow. Now that I look back, it was a recipe for disaster! Especially for someone like me who had a damaged foundation to begin with and no real support or deep understanding of what was wrong. So the inevitable happened. About three quarters of the way into this course, after I had been doing massive amounts of Spiritual awakening practices, the kundalini awakened and shot up through my unprepared body and nervous system and psyche.


Awakened Kundalini
Kundalini, as I understand it, is the Spiritual Energy that is coiled in our Root or base Chakra. It gradually awakens and moves up through the energy centres that are connected with the spine and the endocrine glands, as we do Spiritual Practices. The important word here is gradually.   But first one has to be coming from a strong foundation. Healing of trauma and being grounded through healthy relationship with the self and others needs to be the first priority.

As a result of not being prepared or ready for this massive surge of energy, I fell right into the darkest, most terrifying time of my life. Addictions overwhelmed me again -- but this time they were even worse. I found myself feeling trapped in an abusive relationship. I completely lost touch with reality for awhile and came very close to losing my life. These are powerful energies, not to be messed with or taken lightly. Clearly, not all spiritual teachers understand the importance of balance and stability and acceptance of the darkness and the  possible memories and traumas that may emerge when the light is brought in or when that kundalini is activated.

Escape to Mexico!

I got myself out of that abusive relationship and I took off to Mexico for 2 years. That was winter of 1985.


I was, once again, struggling with addictions but after that experience, I didn't even want to hear the word YOGA. At that point, I was also feeling betrayed and abandoned by the very teachers I had so totally trusted, and of course I was terrified to get close to anyone after falling into that horrible abusive relationship.

I turned to Bodybuilding!!! In retrospect, I see my bodybuilding phase as a desperate attempt to get back into my body, to feel grounded. It was also a defense mechanism --a way to build up the protective amor I felt that I needed . After a time, I landed back in Toronto, back in nursing (where I didn't want to be) and I dedicated myself to Competitive Bodybuilding! By 1989 I became extremely ill. Between the intensity of my job, the intensity of my workouts and a still very damaged foundation, my body gave out.

BACK TO YOGA!!!


The Healing Power of Iyengar Yoga


Yes Yoga called me back again, and it was Yoga that helped me through that illness, but this time I discovered Iyengar Yoga. Interestingly enough, the same school where I had taken that fateful Yoga Teacher's Training course was now home to the Iyengar Tradition of Yoga. This type of Yoga has some definite benefits. It is all about "facing your life", not hiding or escaping from it.  Through the use of equipment in the Iyengar tradition, each Yoga pose is adapted to fit each body individually. I attended a Special Needs Program in which I was given a practice that was specifically developed for my particular illness. I did remarkably well and was moved into a regular class setting. This was 1989/90.  I didn't do so well in the regular Iyengar classes. Because I was still holding unresolved trauma in my body, I was very emotionally fragile. In the regular Iyengar classes, teachers generally use their voices to bring more consciousness to the body. In other words they speak loudly. In my emotionally fragile state, I felt like I was being criticized and yelled at. I frequently left the regular classes in tears! I was just too emotionally fragile to handle the teaching methods at that time. So despite the fact that I knew Iyengar Yoga offered the best bodywork in terms of precision and alignment that I would ever find, I left in search of quieter, gentler forms of bodywork.


The Spirit of Yoga
The Power of Yoga!

Interesting that, although I kept leaving Yoga, the true spirit of Yoga never left me!

Healing and Getting Stronger

So my Yoga journey has resumed. From all that I have learned and experienced through the gifts of many different Yoga Teachers and many different methods, and, most importantly, through learning to listen and communicate very deeply with my own body, I now create my own Yoga practice.  My own body has become my very best teacher and Yoga guide.


So my Yoga Journey has had some bumpy moments, but I am happy and grateful to be re-developing my relationship with this remarkable practice. For me, as I do my Yoga Practice, there is a real sense of coming home to myself. I am tuning in more often to the true spirit of yoga, and we are becoming friends again!!!

That little girl that I was already knew that Yoga was a very important part of my life's journey. It just took me, as the adult, a while to find my way.

Wow -- what a journey it has been!    

Namaste.        

Barbara